This journey has not been easy but God has been faithful. My hormones have been to hell and back, my mind has suffered, my emotions have hit rock bottom, and my body has felt like it has been hit by a freight train. After our last loss, I got very low. My faith was shaken, my hormones were out of whack and I just didnt understand why all this was happening. I had been reading my Bible, I had been quoting scriptures and standing on Gods promises and yet I kept loosing my babies.
I shut down for a while and actually still coming out of it. I tried to focus on my what I did have! I have been blessed with two cute, sweet, healthy boys and a wonderful husband. This brought me comfort and joy.
One day, I went to my keyboard to sing to God. I had not done that in a long time and really needed to feel a release in my heart from all this baggage and hurt. I sat down, as I have done many times before, but this time as I played, no song came. Only tears. Then I chose to force myself to sing about the things I already knew to be true of God. These things were true no matter my circumstance or situation. I began to sing "God you are good. God you are worthy. God you are holy. God you are faithful. Then something came out of my heart, which exposed it. I began to sing, with tears, "I don't want to be mad at you God. I love you."
I would have never said out loud that I was mad at God. I would never want to be mad at him. If He never did anything else for me but send Jesus to die on the cross...that is more than enough! He does not owe me anything. His ways are higher than mine. The truth is the only thing I deserve is hell, and He saved me from it. However, in knowing all of this, my heart still was disappointed with God. It came out in my song. I could not deny it.
I had to make a choice to trust God even when I do not understand. I made a choice to love God even when it seems prayers go unanswered. How could I not love God? He has been nothing but good and faithful to me. Sometimes. we have to remind ourselves of what God has already done to be able to praise Him in our current situation. I began to feel a healing take place in my heart.
Since I lost several babies, the doctor ran some tests. I discovered I have blood clotting disorder and without my miscarriages I would have never known this! Its treatable and very important information to know about myself to keep myself healthy. I am thankful to have this knowledge.
Sometimes you do not see or feels Gods faithfulness right in the middle of what you are going through, but if you look back on it, you can see Him all over it. You see Him with you, for you and helping you. This is the case with me. When I look back over my life, I see Him with me in every tear, every fear, every loss, every victory, every decision, every step, every laugh, every struggle, uncertainty, and emotion in my life. He is with me, always. He is my ever present help in time of trouble. My comforter, my teacher, my friend who sticks closer than a brother, my shield, my rock and my sanity. He is my guidance and my wisdom.
I end this to say, God is truly good. He is worthy. He is holy. He is faithful. There is a purpose for everything under heaven. Nothing happens for without reason, in vein or without a purpose. God can turn ALL things around for our good!
Tj and I made a decision last year to try one last time. I almost didn't; but felt like I needed to try one last time. So much had been stolen from me; I didn't want to give up. We became pregnant a few months after this decision and here we are!! 15 weeks and with a baby girl on the way! I better start investing in some pink swords so she can hold her own against her brothers!
The last 2 years, on 4th of July I have been right smack dab in the middle of loosing a baby. My baby girl is due on July 4th of this year. I feel this is Gods way of telling me he redeems the time. He makes all things new. He restores and rebuilds. His timing is perfect.
I am would never want to relive this journey but I am thankful for it. I am thankful for the lonely nights of fall, for there I felt His friendship; the greatest of all. I am so thankful for the coldest days of winter for there I felt His warmth; I never knew it was there. I am thankful for the storms in the springtime for there I heard His voice singing over me. I am so thankful for the weary days of summer, for there he refreshed me with the beauty of his love. Seasons change, but He remains the same. His love never changes. He brought my soul out of prison and now I want to praise Him forever.
